SpecialNeeds.com

Dear Developmental Doc:
Our 9-year-old daughter was diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder last year. She’s extremely bright when it comes to school, but basically clueless in social situations. Can you suggest ideas to help prepare her for my in-law’s annual Thanksgiving weekend? My husband feels we are obligated to go, but because our daughter is so socially inept, she typically ends up embarrassing herself and I feel like a failure as a parent!
Diane R. Santa Barbara, CA.

Dear Diane,
I hear several concerns in your letter; it sounds like you would like hints to help your daughter navigate Thanksgiving weekend at her grandparents, but I am also hearing that if your child is not on her best behavior, you are a bad parent. Nothing could be further from the truth! As you suggest, people with Asperger’s Disorder typically are quite smart within areas of specific interest but have difficulty understanding and acting on the complexities of social norms.

In most case, children with Asperger’s Disorder have wonderful parents who go to great lengths to instruct their sons and daughters on what is and is not appropriate socially. Individuals impacted by Asperger’s typically have poor motor planning skills that make it difficult for them to transition from one event to the next. With a bit of planning, however, these obstacles can be dealt with effectively.

1. Create a story with your child about the upcoming holiday. The story should be written, but does not have to exceed 6-7 pages. Have your daughter help you draw and narrate the upcoming event with strategies that you two think of to help her calm herself in case she becomes agitated.

2. Role play Thanksgiving. Give your daughter opportunities to play out “scripts” she can use if she is confronted by confusing scenarios over the holiday. These role play activities can be done at home, with a group of like minded peers, and/or in a therapeutic one-on-one setting.

3. Consider shortening your stay for the holiday. Typical Thanksgiving weekends are a four-day affair. Talk with your husband about the possibility of attending this family event for only one day. If this is not possible, create a place for your daughter to have down time (hotel room, for example, or quiet area in her grandparents’ home), where she can retreat and reorganize if she feels over-stimulated by the tumult of the holiday.

4. Alert your extended family of your plans ahead of time. Send out a thoughtful e-mail explaining your daughter’s circumstance and what you may need to do to make sure she feels secure at this family event.
Navigating the holidays is no easy task. You need to know what a good parent you truly are, just for taking the time to figure out how to make Thanksgiving an event that your child will truly be thankful for.

Esther B. Hess, Ph.D. is a developmental psychologist and executive director of a multidisciplinary treatment facility in West Los Angeles, Center for the Developing Mind. To contact Dr. Hess, please visit her web site at www.centerforthedevelopingmind.com.