Did you know that farting can cause cancer of the bowel? Or that using lipstick might send you dog Bipolar? If for a second you believed these stories you need help!
We are bombarded daily by some new scientific research saying too much or too little of this or that will kill us or send us round the twist. To paraphrase Butch Cassidy ‘who are these guys?’
More to the point we live in a world where millions are spent by some research institute to tell us we may die sooner if we sit down more than 8 hours a day. I mean come on – who the hell cares. One fact that I can quote with total certainty is that no-one gets out of this life alive. We are going to die! Ok? – get over it! Suck it up! – only not being born prevents it.
Sadly this is not a recent phenomenon – I recall a full page advertisement by the Sugar Corporation about 20 years ago. Underneath a picture of a skeleton the caption read ‘This man gave up eating everything that was bad for him’. I did love that I have to say!
Red meat gives you colon cancer. Vegans, though, risk twisted colons: red meat causes constipation whereas vegans generate more methane than the Louisiana swamplands. In fact maybe there’s a correlation to be made between the rise of vegetarianism and global warming given the amount of increased flatus in the atmosphere. Sorry for the concomitant crudities here, but I’m Bipolar and that’s my excuse. Apologies to vegans! – it shouldn’t matter what planet you come from. Staying with that windy theme, I once met Father Flatulent, of St Senapods. He said St Senopod was one of the World’s Great Fartyrs. I said don’t you mean Martyrs, he said no you heard me right the first time.
National TV stations peddle these things everyday always couched in equivocal language. Let me share one only out last week.
‘A link between processed meat and skin cancer has been suggested by Swiss researchers. The increase in melanoma, may be down to too much bacon and sausages when eaten under strong UVA light’
Ok so you’ve smelt a rat – but you hesitated for a minute didn’t you? Yes I made it up. You see they churn out this drivel, but make sure the language is safe like ‘maybe down to’ etc. It drives me nuts. In fact I’m expecting a study that too many health scares can cause heart attacks. That’s one I could believe.
We’ve become scared to live these days. People lie awake all night waiting for the Grim Reaper when they realise the Microwave Cauliflower Cheese dish they ate was past its sell by date. People on long flights spend the whole journey doing cartwheels up the aisles to avoid Deep Vein Thrombosis.
So the next time you read such rubbish, look for the subtext. It will all be couched in ‘could’ , ‘may prove to be’, ‘indications are’, ‘potentially dangerous’. Rarely do they say ‘it will’. In fact. my cynicism extends to bigger scares like Swine Flu. Remember that one? A pandemic to wipe out the World – and what about SARS?
So eat, drink and be merry. Remember Winston Churchill: he suffered from Depression, survived the a Boar War Prison Camp, took part in the last British Cavalry Charge at Omdurman in the Sudan, survived politically after Gallipoli, was a voice in the wilderness for 10 years against the rise of Hitler, had a heart attack in 1944 when in New York visiting Roosevelt, and oh yes, he won the Second World War. He also smoked like a factory chimney ( big Cuban Cigars ) and drank like Errol Flynn: a truly shocking way to look after your health. He died at 93 years old.
Take care now!