I never thought I would be a homeschooling parent. My husband and I bought a house in a neighborhood that gave us access to the area’s best public elementary school. When my twin boys were babies, I would cruise by the school, fantasizing about dropping and picking up my kids. It was before the word “autism” became part of our vocabulary.

Homeschooling, for the parents of an autistic child, is often more of a last resort than a choice. My children were bused to schools far away from that perfect neighborhood school I coveted. We had to accept school district placements in order to get services. We were disconnected from our community in a way that made the autism feel like only a small part of our social problems.

After years of chasing autism programs, I still found myself reteaching lessons and begging teachers to follow behavior plans. Homeschooling sounded like a way out of the madness that is special education. At least then I wouldn’t have to attend multiple IEP meetings every year, hire lawyers, secretly threaten bullies, buy gift cards for teachers and still have my son sent home for having meltdowns.

Our new homeschooling friends recommended curriculum and offered encouraging words. I felt light headed when I thought of teaching math to a child who screams when he sees a math book. I had drawers of broken pencils and recycling bins of torn worksheets. I also had a child who found even small groups difficult to navigate. Recreating the school we left behind was not my goal. I had to find a way to let my son experience success. He would dictate what that success would look like.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), in 2003 the fourth and fifth reason for homeschooling in the United States were that the “child has a physical or mental health problem” or the “child has other special needs.” We are a growing population–a population who often arrives at homeschooling with a lot of battle scars and fragile support systems.

Socialization trumps academics for most autistic homeschoolers. I know we have infinity to memorize multiplication tables, but I was sometimes a crazed stalker when it came to finding social opportunities for my son. I’m now more at peace with the understanding that friends do not have to be his same age. Sometimes younger kids make him feel at ease or a visit with an adult neighbor builds his confidence.

I have struggled to feel conviction in my decision. Most professionals will tell you that an autistic child should be in school. Most of those professionals have never sent their autistic child to a school. There are moments when homeschooling my son is magical. A child who was written off by so many teachers can now tell time. He is able to focus in our quiet, calm home. When he’s stressed, he can retreat to his room and his Legos. If nothing seems to be going right, we can pack up our lunch and walk to the park. When he needs a hug, I’m there to give it. I don’t have to cry when I drop him off at school any more. I don’t jump when I hear my cell phone ring. I don’t feel sick thinking that he’s scared and confused and some poorly trained person is yelling at him or worse. He’s home.

Not everyone can homeschool their special needs child. I know how painful it is when your child is in a program that you find unsatisfactory. I’ve been at the IEP meetings and the mediation hearings. There is nothing more stressful than finding the right solutions with a group of people who don’t really know your child. If homeschooling is a possibility, it’s worth exploring.

If you are homeschooling and find it difficult to fit in with a specific homeschooling group, try reaching out to friends and family for support. If you know someone with animals, ask if you can come over and have your child help to care for them. If they have a garden, see if they’d like help with planting and maintenance. A relative who works in an interesting profession could provide “field trips,” possibly on short notice.

If your child can handle homeschool classes and gatherings, by all means take advantage of these resources. But try to reduce the volume of negative experiences for you and your child. Homeschooling provides you the opportunity to go at your own pace and experiment with teaching programs. You don’t need to schedule an IEP meeting to change how you do things. You can create sensory friendly environments to aid in relaxation. You can introduce social situations that aren’t overwhelming.

I still have days when I ask if I could be doing more. I see the concerned look on peoples’ faces when I say I’m homeschooling. When I feel like I’ve failed at teaching a concept, I take inventory of the small things we did accomplish. It’s the things we no longer have to do that make it all worthwhile.