For years, parents of children with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) have mistakenly passed along the erroneous statistic that 80% of marriages of such parents will end in divorce. This myth also has been perpetuated by professionals and the media. As described in a recent large scale research study by Hartley and her colleagues (2010), there is a relatively higher rate of divorce when compared to families with typical children; however, the majority of marriages remain intact. Certainly, there is more to strive for in a marriage than simply not getting divorced. That bar is simply set too low.

Unfortunately, many couples raising children with autism spectrum disorders reflect this attitude of lower expectations for their marriages. As one couple said, while beginning marital therapy with me, “We had no choice but to throw our marriage overboard.” Actually, I believe in the reverse strategy. That is, when raising children with intensified parenting needs, we need to intentionally take care of our marriages. As will be discussed further, this can be done despite greater levels of parenting stress and extremely busy lives. There are great pressures that other couples don’t necessarily have to deal with as illustrated by the following two comments:

“My husband doesn’t understand why I need to spend hours making kale chips for our son’s special diet, why there can’t be tags in his shirt or why the child really must have his meds with the meal-rather than ‘whenever’!”

“My wife doesn’t understand that all of life should not be about autism. I want a few hours where my son’s needs are not center stage. I don’t want to be told that dinner must resemble a speech therapy lesson.”

While writing the book, Married with Special Needs Children: A Couple’s Guide to Keeping Connected, Fran Prezant and I sent out surveys to more than 1,700 parents of children on the spectrum and interviewed many others about their marriages and long-term relationships. Our goal was to learn about impacts on marriages as well as strategies couples use to strengthen aspects of their marriages. When it comes to autism’s impact on your marriage, the only thing that is inevitable is stress. Some marriages end up stronger but certainly not all.

To a large extent, the outcome is determined by the extent to which couples make a conscious effort to protect their marriages. One of my favorite illustrations of this type of protection was offered to us by a woman who had been married for more than twenty-five years and was busy raising five children; these included one child with autism and one with Down syndrome. She shared the following personal strategy:

“My husband and I have a Friday night date night. Cooking is my passion, so I cook us a gourmet meal every Friday. Often times, we each have a child on our lap, but we still sit together with lighted candles and a glass of wine.”

Of course, you don’t need to have candlelight dinners to protect your marriage. This was the way one woman decided to protect both a valued hobby and marriage by putting a boundary on parenting despite having two children with disabilities. The bottom line is that couples need to find creative ways to be more than just parents. A few points to keep in mind are:

• Remember that being partners in parenting is not the same as being a couple.
• Safeguard at least 20-30 minutes each day to being a couple. This time can be used in many ways but should not include any talk about children. It is a time to reconnect to the man or woman you married. If this sounds like a lot of time, remember this is only 2% of your day.
• Raise your relationship up higher on your priorities. If necessary, let go of other activities you feel you must do.
• Take the advice of one couple we interviewed that is raising three children with Fragile X syndrome: “The advice I give to couples who sail into a storm and are fighting is: Don’t hack at your boat in a storm. If you are in the midst of a crisis, don’t take the very support you have and start wacking at it, because that is dumb. You should love, nurture, and care for that other person or you are not going to make it through the storm.”

References:

Hartley, S., Barker, E., Seltzer, M., Greenberg, J., & Bolt, D. (2010). The relative risk and timing of divorce in families of children with an autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Family Psychology, Vol 24, No.4, 449-457.